Hi Everyone, I hope you are doing well. I am having a day I would rather not have. This is sooo hard for me to write, but I need to, need to get it out, so I don't forget this feeling. This post will always be flashed in front of me every time I blog. I also want to be honest with you, my readers, about my life because a blog is an online Journal and many of you have stuck by me through the bad as well as the good so far and for that I am so, so grateful. So I'll take a deep breath and here goes... I met with my Lawyer today. I learned of something else I did on the night I got busted for a second time. Another blackout incident, great!! Then I could not stop thinking about all of the things I did to others and the reality of the damage I have caused myself too, so painful. I am so full of remorse it brings me to tears. It horrifies me now thinking of what I could do with liquor in me. I feel like I have been asleep for a while and I am just waking up, waking up to who I would become under the influence. They say the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results, that is what drinking did for me. I kept repeating dumb ass behavior expecting a different outcome each time, like Hello Janet, how Wet is your Brain?? I wish I went and got help a long time ago,I should have gone after my mother's Death, I was a walking nervous breakdown now that I look back, it was just a matter of time before it all came crashing down on me. It was truly too much loss, her alone, never mind the three other women that suffered and lost their battles with life. Part of recovery is making amends through Step 8 of the 12 Steps to those I hurt, did wrong by, went crazy on, owe money,etc. I will work very hard on that step even though I am probably a long way from it, you have to start at 1 for those of you who do not know the program. In the meantime I will work hard to forgive myself. I'll try not to focus on the baggage, and thanks to friends like Kim who let me know I am not alone today, I can cry just a little less. Most of all I am not looking for sympathy, just to heal through writing, which has always been my way. One thing I have learned in life is to take responsibility for my actions and I have no problem with that even though I will pay dearly for what I have done, I deserve it. I made a lot of bad choices. I have a pet peeve about people who don't own up to their faults and mistakes, they're only fooling themselves not us. The court is going to make me do another two weeks my lawyer said, even though I'll be sober 62 days when I go back this month, because when I went to WATC FOR 27 DAYS!!(Yes I am Venting) It was not a state run rehab for second offenders, never mind everything that goes along with the rest of the sentence. Sometimes I think the Courts pass these stricter laws, just to make more money, and boy are they making a lot of money off a lot of people's mistakes!! If it was truly just about reform and safety, just how much do they think one person needs? making you go into a rehab sober?? Why do we pay the money to them and not MADD? Forgive me for being judgemental, but something about that doesn't sit right by me!(OK Done Venting) So learn from me don't get in the habit of daily drinking, it can lead to only bad things happening, be it mentally or physically, something will happen. And most important of all is, of course don't drive, even if you think your ok, your probably not. I swore I never would again, I wish I could step outside myself and kick my own ass sometimes LOL! See writing this is already making me feel better, I was just able to laugh. And when these days come upon me, like I know they will, I'll just keep living to learn, learning to live.
Thanks for visiting my blog,
I like this, Good perspective!
I don't regret one thing I've gone through
Not one tear I've cried or broken heart
Cause had it not been for the pain
I might not be where I am
Have who I have
I Thank God for all the pain
because it made me who I am
And that is something that can
never be replaced
Great Song, can't stop listening