2008-10-12

From Disturbia to a Pocketful of Sunshine!

Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all doing well. I am doing good. Every now and then I make new cd's to listen in my car as I am sure you all do. So today as I drove my son Scott to a card tournament that he likes, we realized we both loved the song Disturbia by Rihanna. It is a great song, we had so much fun singing the lyrics and tapping our feet. I felt so much happiness between us. After I dropped him off I listened again to that song and to a Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield. I found it funny that I put these two songs on my new cd next to each other. It made me realize that is what my life has been like for the past two years, in both songs they sing of the light to darkness and darkness to light. I was in a state of disturbia watching my best friend Sue die of cancer, and then Wendy, and both of my mom's. I was in such a state of constant grief, that I lashed out on people I loved. I carried pain inside of me for so long. I was angry at myself for not staying with my Mom when she died, but I need to put that baseball bat away and stop beating myself up. I was with her for many hours that week, and on the day she died I was with her for 13 hours, longer than any of my siblings. I thought she would hold on until the morning. Now I realize she must of not wanted us to be there with her when she passed. She was very dignified even at the nursing home. She did not want to wear a bib, so she asked me to buy her an apron. She died in the middle of the night and was taken out with no one looking. I have learned to forgive myself. I felt so much happiness today that I feel I am getting back to my old self. Listening to my Pocket of Sunshine helped alot. I think I have reached the point of self forgiveness, and it feels so good!! I put those songs on my music player if you want to listen to them. Thanks for visiting my blog,

Take Care,
Janet :)

4 comments:

  1. Finally! Don't you feel lighter? The weight has been lifted. No one can tell you about that feeling. It is yours to feel it and enjoy it!
    Happy days to follow!
    D

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  2. Hi Donna,
    thanks for the comment on my blog. Ya I do feel much lighter, a little bounce in my step. You guys at TLC helped me get to this place with all your support and all the laughs. Could not have done it without you all.
    Take Care,
    Janet :)

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  3. The spirit of you mom is always with you. She loves you unconditionally and you love her back. She knows and appreciates that. It was meaningful for you both you were with her near the end of her earthly journey. That meant more than human words and sentiments will adequately say.

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  4. good for you Liara...and also good for you Janet. I have a friend who is consumed with grief at her brother's death. She is rather introvert and has kept it bottled up for a few years and now she is ill herself. Get it out, lash out and as you have done, feel the joy and the smiles again. Your Mother would want nothing less.

    love

    henry

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